Waking up in a body that the only connection I had to it was revulsion was one of the hardest realizations that I have ever come to. I told myself at 4 years old that I was wrong, different, and broken…and over the next 26 years, I did everything in my power to bury that creepy, crawly, ooky, icky feeling.
It never quite went away, no matter what I did to silence it. Not sex, drugs, or rock and roll. Not getting so involved in helping people in my community (and myself) heal from the trauma of their past. Not getting into a career that I love and am good at. Nothing. That feeling was always there, hiding behind every corner, in every apartment, at every job, no matter what I did.
It sat there quietly telling me that I was living a lie, and that no matter what I did, how far I ran, or how deep I hid, I couldn’t make it the truth. This thought was not one of viciousness or malice. It was one of love and tenderness.
Your internal suffering will be released if you turn around and face me. I have always been here, and I always will be, why not turn around and be free of the lie?
These were the feelings that I knew were true and I would be released from my prison of lies…But, I could not. I constructed wall after wall after wall, turned my skin into one of Vibranium and Concrete, so that the voice wouldn’t be able to reach me or touch me.
She leaped over the walls and slipped between the cracks in my armor, as if it were a sieve. I was so broken when she finally reached me that I was happy to finally give up and let her in and be seen by more than me.
I had spent my entire life running from the one person that knew me the best, the deepest, and who cared for me the most of anyone. She had known me for my entire life, was there for every trip, every fall, every feat, and every triumph.
Even after I stopped, turned, and faced her, I didn’t recognize who she was, because what would it mean if I were to embrace her?
Who am I? Do I even know?
I didn’t. but she did. She told me that I was exactly who I thought I was…and more. If I would simply take her hand, she would show me.
The thing that I had been running from for so long, my greatest fear, and what had allowed me to become the person I was in order to defend myself, was the thing that saved me from myself and destruction.
The real mind-fuck in this whole situation, is that she was me the whole time, and by trying to fend her off, I became strong enough to survive the transformation, and showing everyone who I truly was.
I allowed her in, and that armor turned into a cloak of silk and lace, and those walls sprouted gates that were wide open. I let her in, and in turn, gave of myself to everyone else. If I had kept running, I do not know how much longer I would have survived…and now, I thrive.
She made the broken parts of me whole, the act I had put on of being strong (for an act was all it was) turned into true strength, and I was able to be strong for people that needed me. I was able to turn and face the demons in my soul that were threatening to destroy me, and turn them into docile pets.
My fears of the world swallowing me whole and destroying me were I to show my true self, was not true. While, yes, there are parts of the world and its people that would rather I not exist, they are vastly outnumbered by those that see me as I am.
I am me. I am strong, powerful, feminine, punk, an eco-protector, a nerd, a good friend, a warrior princess, a cat mom, an educator, an activist, a partner, a bad bitch, all of this and more. I am woman.
It may not look like what you think a woman looks like, but 30 years ago, the women that are leading corporations, saving villages, running not-for-profit organizations, etc. would have been laughed at and ridiculed, too.
I will take my chances that you will be left in the past like the dinosaurs you are.
Without that voice finally breaking through and my listening to her, I do not know where I would be, what my life would look like, or who I would be. All I do know is that he wouldn’t be happy, if he were even alive anymore.
This Month, I have taken the time to write up a few different posts about different marginalized identities within the LGBTQIA+ community on my personal Facebook Account(s). I am going to aggregate them here.
I will probably add some more, as I am apt to Rant.
On Non-Binary Identities
So, had a conversation with a friend this morning that sparked these thoughts that I thought All Y’all could use.FYI: Non-Binary is an umbrella term that includes a LOT of different identities, so, if you are not sure, err on the side of caution.
Like Wil Wheaton says “Don’t be a dick.”On Pronouns and Non-Binary identities:Non-Binary is not:
1) Man-Lite™ or Woman-Lite™
2) A third gender.
It is literally everything except for 100% woman or 100% Man, however, there can be overlap (ie people that are a non-binary trans woman or man)
3) “It,” is not an appropriate gender-neutral pronoun to use for ANY TGNC person, unless it has told you that it uses it pronouns. “It,” has been used as a slur to other and minimize us, treat us as less than, and make us feel sub-human. Just Don’t, unless that person specifically tells you that they use “It,” Pronouns.
4) Non-Binary People are not “confused,” or switching from one gender to another. There are Genderfluid people whose identity may shift, but it is a fluid thing (hence the name).
5) Just because someone is presenting more “Masculine,” or “Feminine,” that does not mean that their pronouns change, UNLESS they tell you to use different pronouns.
1) There are people that use They/Them pronouns exclusively, some use Neo-Pronouns (Ze/Zer, Ze/Zir, Fae/Faer, etc.) exclusively, some use any pronouns (except “It,” Unless explicitly told that they use “It,”), there are people that use the pronouns of their AGAB (AGAB=Assigned Gender At Birth) and others, or exclusively the pronouns of their AGAB.
2) If you do not know someone’s pronouns, They/Them pronouns are the way to go, but once you know the person’s pronouns and they are not They/Them, using They/Them is misgendering.
3) Some Non-Binary people do not use any pronouns. They use their name as their pronoun.
4) Some Non-Binary people use multiple sets of pronouns. That does not mean that you pick one and run with it and never deviate from it. If a person uses He/Him and They/Them, don’t just grab onto the He/Him and exclusively use it. When you do that, you are pushing a person that is outside of the gender binary box right back into it.
4a) This is one of the BIGGEST complaints that my Non-Binary friends bring up to me that people do. It is not just some of them, either. It is Every Single One of Them that uses multiple sets of pronouns.
5) Pronouns are not “preferred,” (same with name) for the majority of trans people. There are people that have preferred (in my experience, this is going to be more likely from a person that does not experience dysphoria, but not always). That terminology is hurtful and misleading. It gives the impression that my pronouns are optional…they are not.
Rant incoming from your friendly neighborhood trans mom:
/rant on non-mono sexualities (Bigotry, erasure, and fidelity)
This is your reminder that Bisexual, Pansexual, Omnisexual, Polysexual, etc. sexualities are not inherently transphobic or enbyphobic. While some people with those sexualities may be, the sexuality itself is not transphobic. To quote the Bisexual Manifesto “Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or dougamous in nature; that we must have “two” sides or that we MUST be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders.”
While this is only Bisexuality and there are differences between the identities, this statement (written in 1990) stands for all of them. There may be bigoted people of each of these sexualities, that does not make the sexuality itself inherently bigoted.I have honestly had as much (if not more) acceptance and support from Bi/Pan/Omni/Poly/etc. people once I figured out who I was. I am in a long committed and monogamous relationship with a Bisexual woman, and some of my closest friends and staunchest supporters are bi/pan/omni/poly/etc. people.
Just like Non-Binary and ASpec people, bi/pan/omni/poly/etc. people get shunted to the side, minimized, and shuffled away.If a bi/pan/omni/poly/etc. person is in a straight passing relationship, their queerness is questioned, or forgotten completely. And if they are in a same-gender relationship, then people just think that they are gay/lesbian.
If I (or you) am single, my sexuality does not diminish or disappear, so a bi/pan/omni/poly/etc. person in either of hose relationships does not lose the non-mono portion of their sexuality. Also, you do not get to dictate someone else’s sexuality, period. If someone tells you they are not straight or gay, even if their relationship makes you think otherwise, believe them. They know themselves a lot better than you do.
In addition, they are not “Confused,” or “Greedy.” If you know that you are into only *gender*, or only *gender*, my saying, “Well, you haven’t tried it, so you just haven’t found the right *insert gender here* yet,” isn’t going to make you go, “Oh! You’re right! I am now sexually attracted to the gender that I have never had any attraction to before! Thanks so much for pointing that out!”
How ludicrous does that sound? How likely is that to happen? About as likely as you saying asinine crap like that to bi/pan/omni/poly/etc. people.
Bi/pan/omni/poly/etc. are not inherently cheaters, despite what a lot of people like to say. My guess is they have either been cheated on by a person who was bi/pan/omni/poly/etc. in the past, or they are a cheater, and they can’t comprehend that someone who has so many options could possibly control themselves. That sounds like a you problem, not a them problem.
Also, there are Asexual Bisexual people, checkmate, dinguses.
This is it, right here. Your “Acceptance,” of me or my gay as hell relationship that is to use me as your “We are inclusive, see, here’s how,” or fetishization of me is just a go the fuck away. I get a lot of messages from chasers, and that is not acceptance, that is them thinking of me as a “Tra**y,” or a “Best of both worlds,” type of situation. Just NO. Shoo. I am not your kink, (the majority of) trans women cannot, or do not want to top you, or want anything to do with you. Your feigned acceptance to use me (and people like me) as a toy and then make jokes about me or use slurs to describe me is known and will not be tolerated.
~~~Tweet from Twitter User @FoxxyGlamKitty. Profile Picture is of a BIPOC Person with Black hair and a black shirt, with a sly smile.Tweet Reads: I dunno who needs to hear this during Pride Month but exploitation, fetishization, and objectification are not the same as acceptance and that is not what our queer elders fought for lol.
On Rainbow Capitalism
If companies really wanted to support LGBTQIA+ People, they would donate to the campaigns of local politicians that are working to get our rights restored and cemented.
But they won’t. Because that is work. Putting a rainbow as their profile pictures and saying “We stand with you,” or “Love is Love,” or “Protect trans kids,” on their corporate Twitter account is about the most they are willing to do.
If you are going to buy Pride swag, support small queer artists. That way you will actually support the LGBTQIA+ community, not helping to buy another yacht for their execs.
Jeff Bezos and the Waltons don’t need another Lambo, but that gay kid that you see selling his art on Etsy, or the trans girl that makes kickass stickers could really use that to cover rent after their parents kicked them out for telling them who they were.
This is great! And by the way, the Olympics has allowed #TransAthletes to compete since 2004.How many of them have medaled, you may ask? Zero. That’s right. They have not medaled in any sport. In addition, the average trans woman (on HRT) has less testosterone than the average cis woman. I can tell you that within a couple of months of going onto HRT, my upper body strength decreased significantly.
Tomorrow is #Juneteenth. Yt people, put your money where your hashtags are.Send a few bucks to the Black organizers in your area, friends of yours that are Black, or Organizations that help Black people (Such as Bail funds [https://bailfunds.github.io]).Send some reparations to people that can actually use it. Tweeting and sharing #BlackLivesMatter is great and all, but are you:- Educating yourself and your yt friends and family?- Holding your racist family and friends accountable?- Showing up for your local Black community? – Going to protests (when you can)? – Not making the Black people in your life do the heavy lifting in your relationships with their emotional labour?- Doing anti-racism work on yourself so that you don’t continue to make their lives harder?- Donating when you can?- Signal Boosting your local Black orgs, organizers, and activists posts?- Sharing #BlackJoy, not just trauma and death? – Giving time, space, love, and support to your Black friends?- Not making your Black friends edit themselves because of your Whyte Fragility?- Not tone policing the Black people in your life/circles?If you aren’t doing these things, and are just sharing posts that point out the things that they know already, then, I hate to break it to you, but you are not the ally you think you are. #sorrynotsorry
If you are local to the #CapitalRegionNY, give to these organizers, if you are not sure where else to send your $$$
Found in one of my groups. This book is Gatekeeping, bigoted trash. DO NOT READ IT!In fact, please give it 1 star reviews on Goodreads and Amazon .The author probably means well, but trash like this does way more harm than good, especially from someone that is not a member of the LGBTQIA+ community (from her blog “a middle-aged cisgender, heteronormative, white female”). Gatekeeping from the medical community, politicians, and our own community is bad enough.
We DO NOT need to allow people that (seemingly well meaning) think they are allies, but are misinformed, and are using their voices and privilege to speak over us, and reinforce offensive tropes.I also doubt that her child was asked if it was ok to publish his deadname in a fucking book!
If she had actually asked the local LGBTQIA+ community in rural Idaho what they thought, it probably would have been shut down…if she had actually taken their experience into account.
THIS BOOK IS EXTREMELY PROBLEMATIC, BEWAREI don’t even know where to begin with this steaming pile of garbage. I found this book while looking for a non-fiction book on queer issues for a book group I am in (book group focuses on social justice issues). I will admit that I did not finish this book (and as a matter of fact, I didn’t even finish reading the introduction after reading the passage in the second picture). The author starts out by talking about why she wanted to write a book: supposedly to help other parents of queer folks. After talking about her son who is gay, she starts talking about trans issues. She says that her eldest son changed his name (she notes that he is not trans), and talks about how he specifically told her that he didn’t ever want to be called [deadname] ever again. SHE THEN REFERS TO HIM AS [DEADNAME] AT LEAST A DOZEN TIMES OVER THE FOLLOWING PAGES. Not only are you deadnaming your own child, but then you PUBLISH IT IN A BOOK?!Then I read the passage in the picture below and decided to put the whole book in the recycling. I will not be donating it anywhere. The world does not need this kind of garbage.
It’s literally the least you can do. Seriously. The smallest, most minute, most insignificant significant thing you can do.Using the right name and pronouns is suicide prevention. If you say you love someone, and then don’t even attempt to use their name and pronouns, you are telling them, that no, you do not love them. You love a version of them that you want them to be, and you are not helping them bu ignoring who they are.You are attempting to shove them back into a box with knives, broken glass, hydrochloric acid, and scorpions that they, against all odds, forced their way out and can finally breathe. It is violent, visceral, and an attack on their very being.I don’t care if you “Don’t agree,” you are being violent and harmful, and if they cut you off, that is why.
Shoutout to my trans and non-binary siblings that are not out to anyone but themselves, that aren’t changing their name/pronouns, that aren’t medically transitioning, that don’t bind or tuck, that don’t have dysphoria, that don’t wear makup (or do), that don’t change their clothing style, and/or are not sure what their gender is yet.Y’all are valid, your identity is worthy of respect, and you are trans enough. Your identity is not dependent on ANY of that crap.
Trans is short for Transgender, not Transition. Period.
If you change your name, if you change your pronouns, if you get surger(y)(ies), if you change how you dress, if you go onto HRT, if you wear makeup (or stop), if you bind, if you cut your hair (or grow it out), if you have dysphoria, you are trans enough.If you do/experience some of that, or none of it, you are trans enough. Presentation and medically transitioning are not pre-requisites for being trans, or being trans enough.
Truscum/TransMedicalists can get lost.
On Homophobic and Transphobic Family
Yes, I am an educator, an activist, and an organizer.
No, I do not have to put myself in a position to be hurt.
I have family and old friends that I will not put myself in more than a cursory connection with, because their beliefs and opinions are toxic for me and my mental health.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t love them, want the best for them, and want them to be happy. It just means that their behavior, words, and actions are painful, detrimental, and harmful to me, so I limit my time and contact with them.
I wish them no ill will, but they want to force me back into a box that did a LOT of harm to me and almost killed me, more than once. That is not ok, and I will not put myself in that place anymore.I minimized, quieted myself, hid, and stayed silent for far too long. I will not do it anymore.
As a yt, (mostly) able-bodied trans woman I have more privilege than any of my BIPOC LGBTQIA+ friends, family, and comrades.If I ignore that, or don’t use it to push anti-racism in queer spaces, I am just as bad as the people that make spaces unsafe and unwelcoming for them.
This. The only “representation,” I had in media were horrible homophobic and transphobic jokes and Chandler’s parent (from what I remember, it was never made clear if trans or gay, but either way, super cringe).
This is one of the many reasons that it took me so long to figure out my identity, and it could have killed me. Being able to see LGBTQIA+ people (or knowing that anything besides for L and G existed) growing up would have given me some hope and maybe allowed me to go through a little less pain and suffering.
On The Closet and Coming Out
Remember that the joy we show this Pride season is for us making it out of the closet alive, but it is also to show those who can’t come out (for whatever reason) that we are here, we love them, and they are valid, even if they have only come out to themselves.
Not everyone can come out and be safe. There are many places in the world where being an out LGBTQIA+ person is literally punishable by death.
I have a serious question, seriously, Kimmy Vanillabean.
What in the actual fuck is wrong with you?
This is Dwayne’s Daughter. HER name is Zaya. Your transphobia is showing.
Trans people exist, have existed, and will exist as long as humans do. Science, biology, and actual lived experience show us that we are not lying about who we are. You choosing to ignore that is just bigotry, plain and simple.I hope to whatever god you pray to that you never have children, if them being LGBTQIA+ is a reason for you not to love them unconditionally. If you can’t deal with that, then you should just never have children. Kids are not your property or mini-me’s, they are people, and some of them are going to be gay, bi, ace, non-binary, or trans.
Avoiding the comments on this toxic AF post is self-care.